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I Love The Internet (pt. 28)

November 28, 2010 1 comment

….aaaaannndd we’re back. Apparently while I was gone, Sheek Louch turned into a were-gorilla. Someone get this man a shiny suit immediately!

– So my friend was telling me about her quest to get a good Halloween costume, and she tells me that she saw a cute steampunk outfit, but didn’t get it because she “doesn’t agree with people who hate steam.” While the concept of alienated teenagers raging against a watery autocracy is pretty amusing, this Warren Ellis-inspired gallery of Steampunk Batmen is damn cool in its own right. Oh, and speaking of steampunk

– OH SHIT IT’S A NEW GIRL TALK ALBUM EVERYBODY SAY FUCK YEAH

– I desperately need more Hillary Fisher in my life.

– Oh, those wacky Russians. If this isn’t some sort of avant-garde Internet prank, this is one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard of.

– Well thank you very much, Rhys Cooper, for turning my entire 80’s-fueled youth into a GIGANTIC NIGHTMARE.

Miracle fruit, eh? What’s the over/under on how long it took before a couple took them and got down on a 69? A day? An hour?

Katy Perry Cleavage Bomb! You’re welcome, by the way…

– So apparently there are 8% more women than men in Latvia, and combined with a culture that encourages machismo (including heavy drinking and smoking, which leads to a ton of male deaths), Latvian women are finding themselves having to go abroad to find suitable men. On a separate note, Latvian women are apparently known for their unique beauty, former Playboy Playmate Igna Drozdova being among their number. Just sayin’…

– Well, this certainly puts Sixteen Stone in a whole new light

– Oh my God look at this GIANT KIT-KAT.

– Hey, you’d be smiling too.

– Let Christmas begin!!!

– So I don’t normally go for girls who seem like they probably spend way more time in the gym than I do, but…

Damn, Prudence Moe is for fucking real.

– Hey, it’s Jeju Loveland! An oldie but a goodie.

Deep-Fried Bacon Wrapped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The End – Game Over.

– I almost, almost, wish this type of thing would happen in America, just to see how many FNC “journalists'” heads would explode.

– This is Victoria Givens. Victoria is famous for holding a world record. And just what is that world record, you ask? Why, she took it up the ass from 101 men in 7 hours. Presumably, this is a “before” shot.

– This just in: Greg Rucka is the fucking man.

– Rule 34 strikes Southpark. And I don’t know who Laurie B. is, but I dig her stuff.

– I’ll be impressed when this is offered in a “personalized” form.

– I never really got into “The Hard Times of RJ Berger”, but JESUS Amber Lancaster is gorgeous.

Foreign commercials are awesome.

– Look, everyone – it’s a real-life Charizard!

– There is literally no corner of this home that has not had people fucking in it. NONE.

– Tim Curry as the ┬áJoker? Sidney Poitier, Bruce Lee & Pam Grier in The Matrix? Pure awesomeness.

– So I recently wrote a post making great mention of hot female sportscasters. I seriously fucked up by not mentioning Melanie Collins.

– Alice makes for a pretty decent bottom bitch:

– Why am I just now finding out that Mila Kunis and Zoe Saldana were in a movie where they played two college roommates in a “friends with benefits” relationship?

– When I was a kid, Skeletor was terrifying. Now that I’m older, he just sounds like a whiny old jerk:

– Look, when Hunter S. Thompson tells you he wants you to come out to his farm, get drunk and shoot guns, you don’t ask questions. You just go.

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I Love The Internet (pt. 21)

March 7, 2010 Leave a comment

– All I know is that 15-year-old kid is going to kill whoever dropped the dime on his affair with his hot 27-year-old actress/BALLET TEACHER. Also, if anyone can find any other pictures of Sarah Pirie besides the one, send ’em my way.

– Fact #1: Thai women are some of the hottest around, and regularly star in some of my favorite Asian pornos. Fact #2: I won’t be hooking up with any. This is why.

– In 1845 famed German mathematician Ruben Z. Clitz authored a paper detailing his “Law of Violence”, where he stated that the attractiveness of any women will increase by at least 10% once they are engaged in a catfight. For proof, see these videos.

– Scott Boras is widely considered to be one of the most ruthless, successful sports agents in Major League Baseball, if not all of sports, representing guys like Adrian Beltre, Carlos Beltran, Kevin Millwood, and formerly A-Rod. But that’s pretty widely known information. What wasn’t widely known? His daughter Natalie is smoking hot.

– The only way that this could be hotter is if you could use the Konami Code to get her off more quickly. Plus, check out this list of websites where you can use the Konami Code to great effect.

– Take a collection of beloved kitschy 80’s toys, throw them in a post-apocalyptic setting, and you have this slice of brilliance from Tom Kyzivat. Also, the Skeletor in picture #4 would have made me shit my pants if I’d seen him when I was a kid.

No words…should have sent a poet…

– You know what the worst thing about these pics is? Some of these couples are brother and sister.

– Yes, I’m aware that it seems ridiculous to make a big deal out of Batman’s “death” and the subsequent “Battle For The Cowl” only to have Bruce Wayne return a year later, and YES, I know that the similarities between Wayne’s return and Steve “Captain America” Rogers’ comeback are more than coincidental, but c’mon. Caveman Batman? Pirate Batman?! That’s just good stuff.

– What could be sexier than a hot cheerleader? How about a sexy Portuguese cheerleader with one of the finest racks to come by in quite some time? Gentlemen, meet Vera Santos.

– My 14-year-old sister saw this picture and immediately labeled it the “cutest thing ever.” So it’s got that going for it, which is nice.

Slinky dogs. Seriously, this is probably what hot dogs are going to look like in a few years. I gotta be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about this.

– Everything you ever wanted to know about the female orgasm except how to give her one. Also, I like how 13.4% of women and 13.7% of men had “no answer” for where the clitoris was. Really; you’re not even going to take a stab at it (no pun intended)?

– I honestly can’t tell if these folks are over-dressed or perfectly attired. Also, old-timey porn is hilarious.

– Not sure what’s funnier here: that it looks like Miley Cyrus wants to jump Lil’ Wayne’s bones, or that she’s apparently taller than him.

– You know what’s fun and totally non-controversial? Art exhibitions portraying Jesus Christ as the gay son of a prostitute. Yep – there’s no way anyone could have a problem with that, right? What’s that? It was closed down after numerous protests? Oh…

– When you tell me that a 23-year-old Chinese model nicknamed “Shoushou” (Chinese for “beast”) is involved in one of those overblown Asian sex “scandals”, I imagine a rough-looking dude; I certainly don’t expect to see the singularly lovely Zhai Ling.

– So apparently the NCAA has approved beach volleyball for varsity play starting in the 2010-11 season, which means you can expect to see drunk college students hollering at toned, tanned micro-bikini wearing teenage hotties like Nebraska’s Tara Mueller. I cannot believe this wasn’t a sport back when I was going to the University of Florida.

– Never thought I’d say I was jealous of one of the Brady’s, but man, Christopher Knight has one of the best wives I’ve ever seen.

– Yeah, pretty much:

– For those of you eating, I present 20 of the most stomach-churning moments in cinema. My “favorite” moment? The needles in the eyeball in “Audition”. Shudder

– I know I haven’t watched Sesame Street in a while, but can someone tell me when Bert & Ernie got their hood passes?

I Love The Internet (pt. 18)

January 9, 2010 Leave a comment

Flexibility: it’s almost never, ever overrated.

– Christ. Look, I accept that this is essentially a nation composed of obese weapon fanatics, so the idea of a company that sells chocolate guns strikes me less a preposterous joke, than a great business idea. But chocolate ammo? Chocolate grenades? Really?

– I remember hearing about these Seth McFarlane-designed Alice in Wonderland figurines, but I never got to see the finished products until now, and…holy shit. Incidentally, for those of you who think I’m talking about the Family Guy writer, I’m talking about the guy who made things like this.

– In this crazy world of instant worldwide internet saturation, I am eternally grateful for the simple fact that a lot of hot girls don’t seem to realize that taking a sexy picture of yourself and put it on Facebook or MySpace doesn’t so much lead to that cute guy that lives a few houses down noticing you as much as it leads to random websites archiving your “private” pictures.

– It’s a known, but little-discussed fact that movies change a ton during the process from idea to full-fledged project, and the interesting tweaks that occur grow in stature when you’re talking about Avatar, a film that’s maybe two months old but is already the second-highest grossing movie of all time. Side note: I agree with this blogger when he says that this treatment might have made a “better” movie than what we eventually got.

Mark Millar is one of the most prolific comic writers of the last decade or so, overseeing acts such as turning Superman into a dedicated commie, turning Wolverine into essentially a mind-controlled zombie ninja, and tearing apart the Marvel Universe, just to name a few. But when he says his newest work, Nemesis, can be described as…well, I’ll just let him describe it:

‘”Nemesis” is a reversal of the Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark archetype. What if this genius billionaire was just this total shit, and the only thing that stood between him and a city was the cops? It’s Batman versus Commissioner Gordon, in a weird way. Or maybe a super-villain version of “Se7en.” A billionaire anarchist up against ordinary people. The Joker’s the best thing in the Batman movies, so this guy is a bit of an amalgamation of all the stuff we like.’

Sure, Batman as the Joker seems like a good idea, but everyone knows DC won’t let that fly, so how close could it really be…

Well then. Note – DC is not amused.

– Are the citizens of Dubai incapable of showing even a modicum of simplicity in their architecture?

– I have some friends who don’t really like Michael Cera, because in their words “he plays the same character in every movie.” Um…just about every actor plays the same character in every movie, right? But I’ve been excited about the upcoming movie adaptation of fantastic indie comic “Scott Pilgrim”, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and this still from the last fight scene between Pilgrim and his nemesis Gideon’s cronies just has me even more excited.

– Out of all the hip-hop video vixens that have “blown up” over the years (Melissa Ford, Vida Guerra, Ki Toy Johnson, Gloria Velez, etc.), it is still absolutely insane that the painfully fine Nicole Ricca still gets almost zero recognition.

– Some people might say that this flamethrower/mosquito killer is total overkill. As a native Floridian, my only response is, “Why isn’t this in stores yet?”

– Did you know that with maybe five minutes of work, you can hack into your friend’s Kodak Easyshare Wireless Picture Frame? If you’re wondering why you would even want to do something like that, well…you’ve never pulled a prank on someone, have you?

– “Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu!” Verily, brothers and sisters, the most excellent comedie and tragic romance of Two Gentleman of Lebowski is as a drought of the most delectable heavenly nectar.

– Iron Man’s new armor is sick as fuck. That is all.

– Indie games! Thanks to Boing Boing for this guide to the 2010 Indie Games Festival; my personal favorite so far is Today I Die. Go check it out.

-People (mostly foreigners) always talk about how, despite large amounts of evidence to the contrary, Americans act like everything about our country trumps everything about every other country in the world, throughout time. Well, that’s just plain not true. My proof? The fact that any red-blooded American man will fucking melt if you throw an attractive foreign girl his way, as this list of the top 15 countries with the hottest women will attest.

– The Perplexus looks like a freakish mix between an M.C. Escher drawing, a pinball game and a couple of hits of LSD. I’m sure it goes without saying that I absolutely love it.

– I don’t care if you don’t give a shit about architecture or CGI; you need to watch this absolutely breathtaking movie by the Third and the Seventh on the aspect of architectural art from a photographic viewpoint

Megan Fox = Catwoman?

August 26, 2009 Leave a comment


Let me just say, before I get started, that this move, if it’s true, makes absolutely no sense on multiple levels.
Is Megan Fox hot? Yes, of course (even with the freaky toe-thumbs). Would she look ridiculously hot slinking around dirty Gotham City rooftops in a skintight leather outfit with a bullwhip? Naturally. Is she a good fit for the Christopher Nolan franchise? Good God, no.
Look, it’s not exactly news that Fox isn’t exactly the next Meryl Streep, so I’m not going to waste your time having you read a post that incessantly bashes her. But the truth is that she’s a pretty weak actress, at least at this point in her career, and putting her up against people with actual talent, like Christian Bale and Gary Oldman, is only going to make her performance seem even poorer by comparison.

Then there’s the Maggie Gyllenhaal situation. What I mean by that, is that when Aaron Eckhart and Gyllenhall signed on for the Batman franchise, they both signed on for two movies. After watching “The Dark Knight”, I was convinced that Nolan was planning to have Gyllenhaal come back as Catwoman in the final film. Does this mean that he’s planning a different role for Gyllenhaal? Or is she getting the boot in an attempt to get the final Bat-film some sexy star power?
And does it even need another “big name”? DK was one of the biggest films of the decade – arguably the best film of the decade – and you want to screw up your chemistry by adding an actress with one of the sharpest love/hate demarcations in all of fandom?
Having said all that…I don’t think this is gonna happen. Too many people are against it, for one; granted, the news just broke, but if this guy and this fellow nerd here are any indication, I don’t think Warner Bros. would take any chances with their certain cash cow.

**UPDATE** Apparently Warner Bros. has completely shot down all rumors that Fox will be in Batman 3, saying that there isn’t even a script. Probably for the best…

I Love The Internet (p. 12)

August 24, 2009 1 comment

– Two of my all-time heroes are Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain, and yet I had no idea that Twain ever visited Tesla’s lab, much less had a picture taken. If anyone knows a place that does custom posters, I’d be glad to hear it, because I really want to make a giant poster of this.
This too.
– Gentleman, start your arguments…it’s the 10 hottest girls from Tarantino flicks!
– When I was a kid, like many others my age the Indiana Jones movies made we wanna become an archeologist, since it was a job that apparently consisted of beating up Nazis and finding crazy lost artifacts. Then I got older, and realized archeology is really a field that consists of a shitload of tedium and bookwork, where your chances of actually making a name for yourself are incredibly slim. Plus, I was stupid enough to think to myself, “Well, all the good stuff’s probably been found already.” Turns out I was wrong. Really, really wrong.
– “We had some Australians; they stayed here for four days. They would take turns sleeping and the only time they left was to go to the ATM.” Only in Bolivia could you have a fucking cocaine bar.
– Speaking of cocaine, a small town in New Jersey is apparently thinking of instituting a curfew…for adults. Hah! Yeah, that’ll go over great, especially in New Jersey, home of the classiest, politest, most God-fearingist people in the US.
Gabrielle Union in a bikini. That is all.
– Fuck Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and yes, even Christian Bale – the one and only true Batman is Kermit the Frog.
– To all the ladies, out there…look, it’s an uncomfortable truth (no pun intended), but if you let a guy slide into fifth base even once, then odds are it’s gonna happen again. Don’t believe me? Here – I’ll let imgross explain.
– Jesus. Maybe I’m exceptionally egotistical or something, but in my zombie post I took a HUGE shit on the Twilight phenomenon, thinking that everyone was getting a little tired of rogue runway zombies. So of course, what do I find surfing the interwebs, but a goddamn Twilight dildo, complete with fucking glitter. Glitter! Un-fucking-believable. And by the way, telling potential buyers to “toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience”? Really, really gross.
– These…these aren’t even bongs. This is what Predator would smoke out of.
– When I was a kid, the majority of adults around me couldn’t even figure out how to get their VCR’s to properly display the time. Now we have coffee tables that let you control your entire house. Have I mentioned how much I love living in the future?
– This article about the Immersive Dome can get a little wordy, but this quote sums it up pretty well – “Imagine that you are sitting in the middle of a lava lamp. You are surrounded by flowing, larger-than-life-sized sculptures, and you are in complete weightlessness. As befitting these amorphous forms, spherical sounds emanate that adapt to the movements of the fluid sculptures within the space. In the dome cinema of tomorrow, visitors will embrace entirely new visual and acoustic impressions.”
– As an occasional tennis fan, it’s impossible for me to feel bad for Andy Roddick. Sure, he keeps getting beaten by Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, and he constantly has sports journalists calling him overrated, but his wife is Brooklyn Decker. That makes up for a lot.
– Star Wars dance off bitches!!!

I Love The Internet (p. 10)

August 11, 2009 Leave a comment

– I saw this picture when I was blazed the other day, and it literally had me hypnotized for almost a half-hour.
– Somehow I don’t think this picture of IT workers is totally accurate.
– WOOT! The Perseid meteor shower is expected to peak over the next couple of nights; I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely going to try to get away from the city and check it out.
– Tim Tebow is definitely a fortunate man; a Heisman, two national championships, numerous other awards. And then there’s the women; or more accurately, the women who are prepared to tackle Tebow and rape him right in the middle of the Quad ever since he proclaimed his virginity. Seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were putting up bounties in every house on Sorority Row. In that vein, here’s a list of women who would be best served to pop Touchdown Tim’s cherry. My favorite? Layla Kiffin, Lane Kiffin’s wife.
Diora Baird hasn’t really blown up yet, but she’s so hot I don’t even care that she was on that massive crapfest “Two and a Half Men.” Incidentally, I made the same exception for Megan Fox and Alicia Witt.
– See, this is what I’m talking about; a site that lets you listen to & download brand-new hip-hop singles without signing up for anything or jumping through hoops. Bonus: it doesn’t use ZShare (I fucking hate ZShare)!
– George Clooney is almost 50 years old. He mainly spends his time making poorly-written star-laden movies and being the smuggest bastard on Earth. His days of “People’s Sexiest Man” are long behind him. This is his girlfriend. You may now punch a hole in the wall.
– Wow…just wow. Cosby porn. I’m stunned, but at the same time I’m wondering what took them so long. On a side note, did you know that one of the kids from “Family Matters” ended up doing porn under the name “Crave”? Yep – that’s Judy.
– OK, when I heard some Saudi prince was having a $47,000 dong enlarger made out of 18K gold, I was annoyed. But then I read that he’s got a severe skin allergy to stainless steel, so I thought, “OK, he can’t use a regular one and he’s got the money, so…whatever” (Do they make them out of stainless steel?). But then I saw this line: “The 40 diamonds and rubies are being added solely for decorative purposes.” Decorative purposes!? Who the fuck are you trying to impress? “Oh yeah, baby, check out my super-expensive dick inflater. Hot, right? Right? Hey, where are you going?”
– Can you imagine if robots all used the same OS and it was some crappy Windows version? Shudder…
– Apparently Ashley Greene’s one of the actresses from “Twilight”, but that’s not what’s important here. What is important is that much like Vanessa Hudgens (who amazingly got caught flashing her cute little bod all over the Internet again), young Greene has found herself in the position of any shut-in perv being able to give a detailed description of her vag. Obviously she wouldn’t want any more people to see these pics than already have, so…here you go. Yeah, I’m a jerk like that.
– I can’t even lie: the upcoming Batman game “Arkham Asylum” looks so fucking good that I think I pissed my pants a little bit.

Batman R.I.P.

January 16, 2009 Leave a comment

So I went by the comic book shop this Wednesday, and saw a line outside the door. I haven’t been to a comic shop in a while, as I am a painfully broke young man, but there was a comic that hell or highwater, I was going to purchase. At least, that was what I thought until I saw that line. Suddenly a clerk came up and asked me if I was there to get what everyone else was getting: Amazing Spider-Man #583 (now in its third printing), which guest-stars President-Elect Barack Obama. Shaking my head, I walked into the store and purchased the real milestone issue that had amazingly been overlooked in all the Barack-mania. Final Crisis #6. The issue where Bruce Wayne dies.

Now, a lot of you might not have heard about the “Batman R.I.P.” storyline that has been developing over the last few years, or just believed that with the incredible success of “The Dark Knight”, that DC wouldn’t dream of tampering with arguably the #1 comic book franchise right now. I could try to explain the entire plot of “R.I.P.”, but I don’t feel like the headache (yeah, it’s actually that convoluted), or the crazy way that Batman finally bites it, but The Daily P.O.P. took a shot, so here’s a link to that. Oh, and a picture of the aforementioned death. Yeah.

Before anybody gets started, as a comic-book geek, I am fully aware that not only is death never final in comic books, that a backdoor is fully available for the eventual return of Bruce Wayne, due to his…unique death by Omega Sanction (Wiki it). But that’s not the point. The point is that this whole thing was botched from the jump. Scheduling errors, the fact that R.I.P. ended in the Batman comics but his death was in Final Crisis, the method of writing that constantly made people feel that they missed an issue somewhere – its just been a complete mess, especially when you contrast it against Marvel’s almost universally-acclaimed handling of the assassination of Captain America. So what do you guys think. Did you like it, hate it, felt indifference towards it or what?

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