I could wax poetic about the many things I like about Natalie Portman & Rachel McAdams, but I probably wouldn’t be telling you anything you didn’t know, so let’s get to it. Who’s got the better ass:
Unless you’ve spent the last couple of weeks or so living under a rock – on Mars – you’ve probably heard more than enough about the whole situation concerning a lovely sports reporter (of sorts) for TV Azteca and one New York Jets football organization. So we’re not going to rehash all of that. But it got me thinking – concerning the amount of attractive ladies prowling the sidelines and locker rooms these days, many of whom with…let’s say “questionable” credentials, how long can it really be before something like this happens again? Or, more likely, how long before the media takes a relatively innocuous occurance on a slow news day and spins it into a huge issue, but that’s a different conversation entirely.
Anyway, here are five women who seem like they’re primed to be standing in the middle of a group of testosterone-soaked athletes in tight clothing in a locker room and be absolutely shocked that someone had something to say:
Putting this list together was actually a good deal tougher than I first thought. I mean, I don’t know about you, but when I see that picture, I think “professional.”
OK, so that’s pretty bad, but hey, she’s hot and she knows it; there’s nothing wrong with that. And besides, it’s not like this woman has no credits to her name. She’s hosted or starred in numerous shows, including Slurpiamo, Volevo Salutare, and Scatafascio (none of which were about odd sexual fetishes, despite those titles)! She’s spent years working with the Series Italian A soccer championships! If she sexed it up during a photo shoot once upon a time, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s using her looks in absentia of any actual journalistic ethos…
Hmm. Well, at least Italian soccer fans have something nice to look at, after watching their national team go down in flames during the last World Cup.
Wait…she’s from Romania? Seriously? That can’t be right; from what I’ve been told, Romania sucks ass.
Apparently I’ve been lied to. In any case, the lovely Simona Patruleasa appears to be the real deal at first glance: a law school graduate and former primary school teacher, she sent in a headshot on a whim during what appears to be an open audition for a position at a second-tier Romanian network (because apparently that’s how people get jobs in broadcast journalism), and eventually accepted a job with Antena 1. Sounds legit, right? Only one problem; notice how I said nothing about any journalism training? That’s not to say that automatically precludes her from being able to do the job, but I get the feeling that what we’re seeing is an attractive woman who may want to do the work, but is just smart enough to realize that it was that same attractiveness, not any sort of journalistic ability, that both got her the job and keeps her employed. Which might help explain why, despite claims of professionalism, she’s still doing stuff like this:
Just in case you didn’t quite grasp what she’s doing:
Adorable, isn’t she? Voted “Sexiest Reporter In The World” by FHM in 2009, this presenter for Spanish TV channel Telecinco is also known for dating the goalkeeper for the Spanish national team, Iker Casillas. Which led to an amazingly cold-blooded moment during the 2010 World Cup, when Carbonero asked Casillas several painfully pointed questions, such as “How could you muck that up?” So I guess it was only fitting when Spanish fans turned on the 25-year-old next, blaming her for distracting Casillas during the game by standing directly behind his net. I happen to feel like that’s a fair point:
Plus, her name sounds delicious:
A former Hooters girl that modeled for Playboy, Frederick’s of Hollywood and Venus International, and parlayed that into a spot on Best Damn Sports Show Period? Yep – that’ll qualify. Granted, she’s currently hosting Poker After Dark, which would seem to significantly lessen the chances of some sort of media-friendly political incorrectness, but considering the fact that technically you can get drunk during poker tournaments…
OK, so this is a little bit of a cheat: by all accounts, the TSN broadcaster (the blonde on the left with the ridiculous tongue) has been nothing but professional during her career, and the distinct lack of semi-slutty pics only attests to that. And yes, the above video was during her time on a Canadian Real World knockoff, but come on. That is totally hot.
So if you’ve been reading comics lately, you may have heard about the well-received Marvel miniseries Shadowland (aka “Yep, it still totally sucks to be Daredevil”). And in all honesty, it’s been a pretty good series. A possessed Daredevil taking command of an innumerable horde of evil mystical ninjas, building a giant middle finger in the middle of Hell’s Kitchen and enforcing martial law, coming into direct (and lethal) conflict with “street-level” heroes and villains like Bullseye, Luke Cage & Iron Fist, Wilson Fisk, the Punisher, Spider-Man, Moon Knight and others? That’s a fantastic idea!
Which is why it’s such a shame that, as usual, a completely ridiculous idea immediately followed.
It’s been pretty clear that the whole thing is going to collapse around Matt Murdock, and sure enough Marvel announced that Daredevil will be ending in November with issue #512, and would be followed by 2 new projects: the 4-part miniseries Daredevil: Reborn, and an at-the-time unnamed series that would have one of the five characters above taking up residence as the new “hero” of Hell’s Kitchen.
I guess I’m game; I mean, it’s not the weirdest thing to happen in a series. If I had to rank them in terms of who made the most sense, though, it would probably like this:
1) Falcon, 2) Kraven, 3) Gambit, 4) Black Panther, 5) Nova
The Falcon or Kraven would be obvious choices to me: they’re both “street-level” characters, they’ve got long, weird histories that range all throughout the Marvel Universe and they’ve got connections to other notable New York heroes. Gambit would be a stretch (I don’t think he’s an interesting enough character to carry a series), but I guess you could work in the whole Thieves’ Guild angle or something. I guess it just depends on how much you like Mr. Sinister, or Ms. Sinister or whatever the hell Nathaniel Essex is calling him/herself now, because those two are damn near joined at the hip. As far as Nova or Black Panther, I figured they were both there to essentially throw people off the trail. I mean, there’s no way either of them get tapped, right?
Sigh. There is so much wrong with all of this that I’m actually not sure where to begin.
First of all, does Hell’s Kitchen even need its own personal hero at this point? It’s not like it’s a city or something; HK is a neighborhood in Manhattan – that’s all. Granted, there is a history between Murdock and the neighborhood, and considering the fact that Daredevil doesn’t strictly have any superhuman physical attributes, 25 blocks or so is a much more reasonable area for a guy to patrol, much less a blind guy, but c’mon; it’s not like Spider-Man goes around calling himself the “Queens Webhead” or something. Basically, if not Murdock, it should probably be nobody.
Which leads me to my next point: why the Black Panther? Seriously, you could’ve given me all day to try to name Marvel’s choice and I would never have come up with T’Challa. On no level does this make sense. And it’s not like he doesn’t have shit going on right now – his (former?not former? I really don’t know what the deal is there) kingdom is in tatters after an attack by Dr. Doom and an attempted internal coup, and he just destroyed Wakanda’s entire supply of vibranium (only their most valuable stuff) in order to stick it to the Latverian despot. So instead of all that…he decides to have a mid-life crisis and go to New York to “discover himself”? I know people like to think that black guys have a tendency of running out on their responsibilities, but this is ridiculous; it’s really the type of stuff that makes me feel like those Wakandan rebels aren’t exactly in the wrong. And where the hell is Storm during all this?
A storied character with no set direction, dropped into a completely incongruous situation for no discernible reason, with a couple of comics rookies at the helm. This is going to end so, so badly, and that’s a damn shame – the Black Panther deserves better.
…because when I heard about the crazy guy that took hostages at the Discovery Center yesterday, I naturally felt the “usual” array of horror/curiousity/dismay/etc., but when I heard the part about his crazy demands for better TV programming (“Develop shows that mention the Malthusian sciences!”), all I could think of was this:
Well, not so much for the “totally awesome”; that’s just what I imagine the jurors saying to each other during their deliberations concerning this woman. And hey, look – “Girls Gone Wild” is involved! I know, I know, it’s a shocker.
So, long story short: one Jane Doe is at a bar in Las Vegas in 2004, the GGW folks ask her to flash the goods, she says no on camera, someone reaches from behind and does all the work for her, and GGW put it in one of their inimitable videos. She finds out about in ’08, and sues the soft-core producers for $5 million, only for a jury to spend all of 90 MINUTES just the other day deciding, “Hey, if she didn’t want to have her top taken off by a complete stranger and images of her tits recorded and sold for public consumption, she shouldn’t have been out in public!”
I fully expect this ruling to get torn apart by a more sensible judge during the appeals process, but it says a lot about the mindset of some people that this even needed to go to an appeal judge in the first place. And let me just say for the record, for any women out there who are reading this and think, “Oh, well, of course it was probably a jury made up only of men,” NO. I don’t believe there is any way that 12 men came to that decision, because even if they felt that way, they would all realize how that would look. Not to mention, 12 guys aren’t going to feel that way; I mean, I’m a guy, and this is one of the stupidest rulings I’ve ever heard. And it’s not as though women who act against the best interests of other women don’t exist; look at most of the ladies of the Republican Party.
I gotta say, between the idea that consent isn’t actually necessary to be filmed, just appearance in a location, and that whole Top Secret America bombshell (if you haven’t checked that out yet, STOP READING THIS AND CLICK ON THE LINK), it just seems like it’s getting harder and harder to not have people all up in your shit at any given time of the day.
P.S. – I chose the Jezebel post rather than the original news article because the update at the bottom, where Jezebel readers totally destroy this one “Ass Clown” who tried to say that Doe had embarrassed herself, is fantastic.
Seriously, this absolutely made my day –
Your humble author is located middle row, on the right, next to the angry pink-haired man drinking a pint.
P.S. – I’m not picking my nose; I swear.
So now the big Michael Jackson news is that Culkin, who apparently is also godfather to the King of Pop’s other two kids, may have also made a milk drop for Jacko…you know what? I’m not gonna re-encapsulate the whole deal; here’s the link.
Honestly, I’m totally sick of Michael Jackson at this point. To be completely truthful, I’ve been sick of him for years, but now I’m DONE done. I mean, does it matter who fathered those kids? They’re still fucked either way.
On the plus side, if this means that Mila Kunis is gonna be available, hey…hit me up.
Bonus: Mila with Culkin and Seth Green getting high (maybe); yet another reason I wouldn’t kick her out of bed…