Happy Valentine’s Day!

Natalie Portman, Your Highness -

or Rachel McAdams, Morning Glory - 

Oh, Gucci Mane; promise me you’ll never change.

- I know it’s never going to happen, but with guys like Newt Gingrich and Bill Kristol all over TV, it would be nice to see someone like Richard Trumka getting a little more airplay.

- Some things aren’t obvious until they’re starkly pointed out. Example: Johnny Depp has had a lot of weird roles.

- These are so in my wheelhouse that’s it’s not even funny. Caleb Charland, you are my new favorite photographer.

- My ass that this is Margaret McPoyle. My entire ass.

- Look, it’s always gonna sting losing Mila Kunis, but if you have to get a rebound, you could do a lot worse than a porn star.

- Really, Kanye? You spent $180,000 on a crazy-ass watch that has an iced-out picture of yourself? Have you never heard of a mirror? How the hell can you tell what time it is? Isn’t that the entire point of a watch?

- God damnit, bro.

- This is Jeannette McCurdy of the Disney Channel’s “iCarly”. This is her proving that you’re never too young to have your tits out. And this is Christy Carlson Romano, formerly of Even Stevens and voice of popular cartoon Kim Possible agreeing with her. I have only one question; what the hell is going on with Disney girls these days? More on this later…

- Of course this video comes out after Halloween.

- How about some fun timesucks? Isle of Tune, anyone? Oh, not your thing. Perhaps Entanglement is more to your liking. You don’t like either of them, you say? Then how about 50 more Flash games. Also, if you want something a little more intellectual, here’s some brain puzzles, and a game that tests your reactions; don’t say I never gave you anything.

- This picture is even better when you finally do find Waldo.

- You know that scene in that Keanu Reeves movie The Replacements (I know, just bear with me) where the local “dancers” the head cheerleader hired to be her squad start showing their “moves” out on the field?Yeah…Los Marineritas de Almirante Brown de Argentina are basically the real-life version of that, but with crazy-hot Argentinian women. Yeah.

- Vertical cities always seem like an awesome idea, but I’ve always had reservations. What about people with claustrophobia? What about a base-width/structure-height ratio? How easy is it to move from level to level, and would that ease (or lack of it) translate to a segregated hierarchy?

- From the same people who brought you “weird Russian Gadget Hackwrench cult“, here’s “weird Peruvian dress-up-your-guinea-pig celebration!“

- I’m torn on whether or not I find the idea of city-sized invisibility cloaks that affect space and time incredibly awesome or incredibly disturbing….it’s probably a good-sized amount of both.

- Julia Crown. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

- OK, smart guy. You think a couple of hours a day of Fox News makes you qualified to tackle difficult political issues? Then here – you fix the budget.

- Hey, wanna feel old? Guess where you’ve seen this girl before. Give up? Prepare to cry.

- Not only is that sexy, but hey – dye that thing purple, throw on a sash and dye your hair, and you got a perfect Psylocke costume.

- If you saw Charlie Wilson’s War, you might remember this belly dancer. Well, her name is Tracy Phillips, and her father is former Dallas Cowboys head coach (and current Houston Texans defensive coordinator) Wade Phillips. Yeah. This guy. Guess that explains why Jerry Jones kept him around for so long…

- Since it’s not being reported on any news channels (seriously, what the fuck?) I feel that I cannot emphasize this enough – stay the fuck out of Mexico. Nobody wants any part of what’s going on down there; not even the Mexicans. Oh, and if you’re a pretty girl from the Andes region of Columbia – like, say, Juliana Sossa, Angie Sanclamente, or Laura Elena Zuniga – run. Run, and don’t even look back for a second.

- The more I see of Susan Coffey, the more and more I want to see.

- This reminds me of the part of Gulliver’s Travels where the titular character is in Brobdingnag, the land of giants, and can’t help but notice that at that much of a size disparity, even the most attractive people appear disgusting. Something to think about. Oh, and it should go real well with these touchable holograms Japanese scientists are developing.

- Wait – there was a second season of Rupaul’s Drag Race?

- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Snuff Film.

- If you’re a man and you don’t have a smile on your face after scrolling down a few minutes, either you’re gay or you’re dead.

- Hey, I’ll say this: these guys have as good a shot of finishing their self-made Zelda film as anyone.

-Yes, it’s beyond messed up that this girl is in danger of losing her scholarship over completely legal activities, but honestly – how stupid must she be to agree to be in a porno while in college! Does she have any idea how much porno college-age guys watch? What – she goes to ASU? Oh…that explains that, then.

- AAAAAHHHHHH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

- Up until I went to college (go Gators), I wasn’t really a sports fan. I paid just about enough attention to be aware of what was happening, but for the most part I was solidly disinterested…except for basketball. And one of the things I remember hearing about early on, was the remarkable nature of the “basketball groupie”. With that said, I’d like to thank the ladies of Basketball Wives (an amazing title, considering that none of the women on the show are actually married to basketball players), especially Royce Reed, Evelyn Lozada, and most recently Jennifer Williams for bringing this “culture” into the spotlight, where hopefully it will shrivel and die in the withering rays of the sun.

- Now this is the type of top-10 list I can get behind.

- It’s interesting to see how a song or story can take on a completely different meaning depending on how it’s read/heard. For example, here’s Christopher Walken “performing” Lada Gaga’s “Pokerface”:

- …and here’s Werner Herzog ripping apart the facade that is “Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel”:

- My Side Of The Mountain always was one of my favorite books as a kid:

- Nosaj Thing is the shit:

- A little played out, but c’mon; that’s adorable:

- And hey, speaking of puppets:

- Really? This is the first time The Roots, Erykah Badu & Eve have performed “You Got Me” together live?

-  Um…that’s…I’m, like, 70% sure this is sexy. Also, more Masuimi Max here:

- Wait – there were 10 minutes of outtakes from Chappelle’s Show’s hilarious “Black Bush” sketch?

- Mark Visser riding a 40-foot wave at night, TRON style. YES:

- Lazy Teenage Superheroes. This is brilliant, and it was only made for $300:

- Eat your heart out, Tiger Woods:

….aaaaannndd we’re back. Apparently while I was gone, Sheek Louch turned into a were-gorilla. Someone get this man a shiny suit immediately!

- So my friend was telling me about her quest to get a good Halloween costume, and she tells me that she saw a cute steampunk outfit, but didn’t get it because she “doesn’t agree with people who hate steam.” While the concept of alienated teenagers raging against a watery autocracy is pretty amusing, this Warren Ellis-inspired gallery of Steampunk Batmen is damn cool in its own right. Oh, and speaking of steampunk…

- OH SHIT IT’S A NEW GIRL TALK ALBUM EVERYBODY SAY FUCK YEAH

- I desperately need more Hillary Fisher in my life.

- Oh, those wacky Russians. If this isn’t some sort of avant-garde Internet prank, this is one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard of.

- Well thank you very much, Rhys Cooper, for turning my entire 80′s-fueled youth into a GIGANTIC NIGHTMARE.

- Miracle fruit, eh? What’s the over/under on how long it took before a couple took them and got down on a 69? A day? An hour?

- Katy Perry Cleavage Bomb! You’re welcome, by the way…

- So apparently there are 8% more women than men in Latvia, and combined with a culture that encourages machismo (including heavy drinking and smoking, which leads to a ton of male deaths), Latvian women are finding themselves having to go abroad to find suitable men. On a separate note, Latvian women are apparently known for their unique beauty, former Playboy Playmate Igna Drozdova being among their number. Just sayin’…

- Well, this certainly puts Sixteen Stone in a whole new light…

- Oh my God look at this GIANT KIT-KAT.

- Hey, you’d be smiling too.

- Let Christmas begin!!!

- So I don’t normally go for girls who seem like they probably spend way more time in the gym than I do, but…

Damn, Prudence Moe is for fucking real.

- Hey, it’s Jeju Loveland! An oldie but a goodie.

- Deep-Fried Bacon Wrapped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The End – Game Over.

- I almost, almost, wish this type of thing would happen in America, just to see how many FNC “journalists’” heads would explode.

- This is Victoria Givens. Victoria is famous for holding a world record. And just what is that world record, you ask? Why, she took it up the ass from 101 men in 7 hours. Presumably, this is a “before” shot.

- This just in: Greg Rucka is the fucking man.

- Rule 34 strikes Southpark. And I don’t know who Laurie B. is, but I dig her stuff.

- I’ll be impressed when this is offered in a “personalized” form.

- I never really got into “The Hard Times of RJ Berger”, but JESUS Amber Lancaster is gorgeous.

- Foreign commercials are awesome.

- Look, everyone – it’s a real-life Charizard!

- There is literally no corner of this home that has not had people fucking in it. NONE.

- Tim Curry as the  Joker? Sidney Poitier, Bruce Lee & Pam Grier in The Matrix? Pure awesomeness.

- So I recently wrote a post making great mention of hot female sportscasters. I seriously fucked up by not mentioning Melanie Collins.

- Alice makes for a pretty decent bottom bitch:

- Why am I just now finding out that Mila Kunis and Zoe Saldana were in a movie where they played two college roommates in a “friends with benefits” relationship?

- When I was a kid, Skeletor was terrifying. Now that I’m older, he just sounds like a whiny old jerk:

- Look, when Hunter S. Thompson tells you he wants you to come out to his farm, get drunk and shoot guns, you don’t ask questions. You just go.

Unless you’ve spent the last couple of weeks or so living under a rock – on Mars – you’ve probably heard more than enough about the whole situation concerning a lovely sports reporter (of sorts) for TV Azteca and one New York Jets football organization. So we’re not going to rehash all of that. But it got me thinking – concerning the amount of attractive ladies prowling the sidelines and locker rooms these days, many of whom with…let’s say “questionable” credentials, how long can it really be before something like this happens again? Or, more likely, how long before the media takes a relatively innocuous occurance on a slow news day and spins it into a huge issue, but that’s a different conversation entirely.

Anyway, here are five women who seem like they’re primed to be standing in the middle of a group of testosterone-soaked athletes in tight clothing  in a locker room and be absolutely shocked that someone had something to say:

Federica Fontana

Putting this list together was actually a good deal tougher than I first thought. I mean, I don’t know about you, but when I see that picture, I think “professional.”

OK, so that’s pretty bad, but hey, she’s hot and she knows it; there’s nothing wrong with that. And besides, it’s not like this woman has no credits to her name. She’s hosted or starred in numerous shows, including Slurpiamo, Volevo Salutare, and Scatafascio (none of which were about odd sexual fetishes, despite those titles)! She’s spent years working with the Series Italian A soccer championships! If she sexed it up during a photo shoot once upon a time, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s using her looks in absentia of any actual journalistic ethos…

Hmm. Well, at least Italian soccer fans have something nice to look at, after watching their national team go down in flames during the last World Cup.

Simona Patruleasa

Wait…she’s from Romania? Seriously? That can’t be right; from what I’ve been told, Romania sucks ass.

Apparently I’ve been lied to. In any case, the lovely Simona Patruleasa appears to be the real deal at first glance: a law school graduate and former primary school teacher, she sent in a headshot on a whim during what appears to be an open audition for a position at a second-tier Romanian network (because apparently that’s how people get jobs in broadcast journalism), and eventually accepted a job with Antena 1. Sounds legit, right? Only one problem; notice how I said nothing about any journalism training? That’s not to say that automatically precludes her from being able to do the job, but I get the feeling that what we’re seeing is an attractive woman who may want to do the work, but is just smart enough to realize that it was that same attractiveness, not any sort of journalistic ability, that both got her the job and keeps her employed. Which might help explain why, despite claims of professionalism, she’s still doing stuff like this:

Just in case you didn’t quite grasp what she’s doing:

Sara Carbonero

Adorable, isn’t she? Voted “Sexiest Reporter In The World” by FHM in 2009, this presenter for Spanish TV channel Telecinco is also known for dating the goalkeeper for the Spanish national team, Iker Casillas. Which led to an amazingly cold-blooded moment during the 2010 World Cup, when Carbonero asked Casillas several painfully pointed questions, such as “How could you muck that up?” So I guess it was only fitting when Spanish fans turned on the 25-year-old next, blaming her for distracting Casillas during the game by standing directly behind his net. I happen to feel like that’s a fair point:

Plus, her name sounds delicious:

Leeann Tweeden

A former Hooters girl that modeled for Playboy, Frederick’s of Hollywood and Venus International, and parlayed that into a spot on Best Damn Sports Show Period? Yep – that’ll qualify. Granted, she’s currently hosting Poker After Dark, which would seem to significantly lessen the chances of some sort of media-friendly political incorrectness, but considering the fact that technically you can get drunk during poker tournaments…

Jennifer Hedger

OK, so this is a little bit of a cheat: by all accounts, the TSN broadcaster (the blonde on the left with the ridiculous tongue) has been nothing but professional during her career, and the distinct lack of semi-slutty pics only attests to that. And yes, the above video was during her time on a Canadian Real World knockoff, but come on. That is totally hot.

- Is this a bookstore, or…heaven?

- I was all set to be good and sick of Sacha Baron Cohen, but then Graham King and Tim Headington had to go and give him the lead role in an upcoming biopic about the late great Freddie Mercury (one of the all-time great rock names, incidentally).

- Because if there’s anyone I want realizing man’s first contact with a species not of Earth, it’s a man who once wrote “Happiness is the most insidious prison of all.” That wasn’t sarcasm, by the way – I’m deadly serious.

- In case anyone felt like being horribly depressed today.

- So…does this mean that “Ramon” Flowers and “Rex” Richter hooked up? Because that is decidedly less hot than two girls getting together.

- This is the angriest homosexual I have ever seen. Maybe he’d be in a better mood if he lived here; I know I would.

- I never actually saw this remake, but I’m telling you this is absolute and complete horseshit. Velma hooking up with Shaggy behind Scooby’s back, and then trying to get between the two friends? Blasphemy! The fact that it even made it to ten episodes seriously bugs me.

- Huh; I had no idea Grand Theft Auto had one of those LEGO versions made. Oh, and speaking of which, THC-infused ice cream, California? Really? I swear, the siren song of the Golden Coast gets stronger every day…

- You know how every guy has a couple of women on their “list” that they would absolutely smash, but don’t necessarily want anyone to know that about them? For me, one of those women is “model” Coco.

- This honestly makes me smile.

- “Hmmm..the room looks ‘OK’, I guess. You know what would really tie it all together? A giant sleeping bag/sofa/burrito/vagina.”

- Well, damn. I guess nobody parties like Russian kite surfers.

- Why Luigi is truly the bad-ass in the family.

- Holy shit. From the sounds of this report, Mexico is about to completely explode. Man, I don’t even have a joke for that; that is some serious shit.

-I hate, repeat hate slideshows, but for the 50 hottest Hawaiian women? I’ll gladly make an exception.

- Wait; Grant Morrison’s writing a Watchmen knockoff and a psychedelic Western indie? Um…hey, if anyone can make it work, it’s Morrison, right? Right?

- Few would have guessed he’d grow up to be Gandalf AND Magneto.

- SCIENCE BOMB! A slate of upcoming particle physics experiments, for the apocalypse-minded man who still keeps an eye on his schedule; the story of a star that said “fuck you” to the usual astronomic conventions; apparently what we consider the “laws” of physics are just regional statutes, at best; and last, it turns out we know fuck-all about gravity.

- Normally I’ve got nothing but sneers for NASCAR, but if it gets you a wife like Samantha Sarcinella, hell, I’ll gladly drive in a circle for five or six hours.

- As far as I’m concerned, OK Go are officially trying too hard:

- This is just cheesy and over-the-top enough that it’s perfect:

- New rule: from now on, all action movie previews must be done a capella:

I know, I know, I know – this guy looks like a complete doof. But do me a favor and just listen to this stuff, these bubbles of breezy adorable guitar pop. I like it, even though he looks like he just stepped off the set of some cheap “Anchorman” knockoff.

The only problem I have with this type of stuff is it brings out the annoying music nerd in me. You know, that guy who’s always saying stuff like, “Oh, them? Yeah, I heard their stuff on an underground rare print EP at an alternative art show, like, six months ago”? Yeah. And of course, I’m not the only one (scroll to #7) .

Go check out Darwin Deez’s self-titled album via his label Lucky Numbers (now with some sweet remixes), or http://www.itunes.com/darwindeez, or swing on by darwindeez.com.

Which is why it’s such a shame that, as usual, a completely ridiculous idea immediately followed.

It’s been pretty clear that the whole thing is going to collapse around Matt Murdock, and sure enough Marvel announced that Daredevil will be ending in November with issue #512, and would be followed by 2 new projects: the 4-part miniseries Daredevil: Reborn, and an at-the-time unnamed series that would have one of the five characters above taking up residence as the new “hero” of Hell’s Kitchen.

Um…OK?

I guess I’m game; I mean, it’s not the weirdest thing to happen in a series. If I had to rank them in terms of who made the most sense, though, it would probably like this:

1) Falcon, 2) Kraven, 3) Gambit, 4) Black Panther, 5) Nova

The Falcon or Kraven would be obvious choices to me: they’re both “street-level” characters, they’ve got long, weird histories that range all throughout the Marvel Universe and they’ve got connections to other notable New York heroes. Gambit would be a stretch (I don’t think he’s an interesting enough character to carry a series), but I guess you could work in the whole Thieves’ Guild angle or something. I guess it just depends on how much you like Mr. Sinister, or Ms. Sinister or whatever the hell Nathaniel Essex is calling him/herself now, because those two are damn near joined at the hip. As far as Nova or Black Panther, I figured they were both there to essentially throw people off the trail. I mean, there’s no way either of them get tapped, right?

Right?

Sigh. There is so much wrong with all of this that I’m actually not sure where to begin.

First of all, does Hell’s Kitchen even need its own personal hero at this point? It’s not like it’s a city or something; HK is a neighborhood in Manhattan – that’s all. Granted, there is a history between Murdock and the neighborhood, and considering the fact that Daredevil doesn’t strictly have any superhuman physical attributes, 25 blocks or so is a much more reasonable area for a guy to patrol, much less a blind guy, but c’mon; it’s not like Spider-Man goes around calling himself the “Queens Webhead” or something. Basically, if not Murdock, it should probably be nobody.

Which leads me to my next point: why the Black Panther? Seriously, you could’ve given me all day to try to name Marvel’s choice and I would never have come up with T’Challa. On no level does this make sense. And it’s not like he doesn’t have shit going on right now – his (former?not former? I really don’t know what the deal is there) kingdom is in tatters after an attack by Dr. Doom and an attempted internal coup, and he just destroyed Wakanda’s entire supply of vibranium (only their most valuable stuff) in order to stick it to the Latverian despot. So instead of all that…he decides to have a mid-life crisis and go to New York to “discover himself”? I know people like to think that black guys have a tendency of running out on their responsibilities, but this is ridiculous; it’s really the type of stuff that makes me feel like those Wakandan rebels aren’t exactly in the wrong. And where the hell is Storm during all this?

Any excuse to post this cover will do, really.

A storied character with no set direction, dropped into a completely incongruous situation for no discernible reason, with a couple of comics rookies at the helm. This is going to end so, so badly, and that’s a damn shame – the Black Panther deserves better.

First of all, much like Ms. Mbatha-Raw, I also have a name that’s considered “unpronounceable” by a lot of people, but really isn’t (as far as I’m concerned, her costar Boris Kodjoe has a much trickier last name), so…we’ve got that going for us? Honestly, I’m not really sure where I was going with that – it’s just that I see a woman like this, and I try to think up any connection, no matter how tenuous, on the off chance that it might turn out to be useful. You know, if I ever met her, or something…oh hey, look – she was Tish Jones in “Doctor Who” too! So she’s a hot chick with a sexy accent that has a recurring role on a classic sci-fi institution, and is going to be starring in a JJ Abrams spy show (which, by most accounts, can be summed up in “meh“)? Crap…I may be in trouble here…