I could wax poetic about the many things I like about Natalie Portman & Rachel McAdams, but I probably wouldn’t be telling you anything you didn’t know, so let’s get to it. Who’s got the better ass:
Natalie Portman, Your Highness -
or Rachel McAdams, Morning Glory - 
Unless you’ve spent the last couple of weeks or so living under a rock – on Mars – you’ve probably heard more than enough about the whole situation concerning a lovely sports reporter (of sorts) for TV Azteca and one New York Jets football organization. So we’re not going to rehash all of that. But it got me thinking – concerning the amount of attractive ladies prowling the sidelines and locker rooms these days, many of whom with…let’s say “questionable” credentials, how long can it really be before something like this happens again? Or, more likely, how long before the media takes a relatively innocuous occurance on a slow news day and spins it into a huge issue, but that’s a different conversation entirely.
Anyway, here are five women who seem like they’re primed to be standing in the middle of a group of testosterone-soaked athletes in tight clothing in a locker room and be absolutely shocked that someone had something to say:
Federica Fontana
Putting this list together was actually a good deal tougher than I first thought. I mean, I don’t know about you, but when I see that picture, I think “professional.”
OK, so that’s pretty bad, but hey, she’s hot and she knows it; there’s nothing wrong with that. And besides, it’s not like this woman has no credits to her name. She’s hosted or starred in numerous shows, including Slurpiamo, Volevo Salutare, and Scatafascio (none of which were about odd sexual fetishes, despite those titles)! She’s spent years working with the Series Italian A soccer championships! If she sexed it up during a photo shoot once upon a time, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s using her looks in absentia of any actual journalistic ethos…
Hmm. Well, at least Italian soccer fans have something nice to look at, after watching their national team go down in flames during the last World Cup.
Simona Patruleasa
Wait…she’s from Romania? Seriously? That can’t be right; from what I’ve been told, Romania sucks ass.
Apparently I’ve been lied to. In any case, the lovely Simona Patruleasa appears to be the real deal at first glance: a law school graduate and former primary school teacher, she sent in a headshot on a whim during what appears to be an open audition for a position at a second-tier Romanian network (because apparently that’s how people get jobs in broadcast journalism), and eventually accepted a job with Antena 1. Sounds legit, right? Only one problem; notice how I said nothing about any journalism training? That’s not to say that automatically precludes her from being able to do the job, but I get the feeling that what we’re seeing is an attractive woman who may want to do the work, but is just smart enough to realize that it was that same attractiveness, not any sort of journalistic ability, that both got her the job and keeps her employed. Which might help explain why, despite claims of professionalism, she’s still doing stuff like this:
Just in case you didn’t quite grasp what she’s doing:
Sara Carbonero
Adorable, isn’t she? Voted “Sexiest Reporter In The World” by FHM in 2009, this presenter for Spanish TV channel Telecinco is also known for dating the goalkeeper for the Spanish national team, Iker Casillas. Which led to an amazingly cold-blooded moment during the 2010 World Cup, when Carbonero asked Casillas several painfully pointed questions, such as “How could you muck that up?” So I guess it was only fitting when Spanish fans turned on the 25-year-old next, blaming her for distracting Casillas during the game by standing directly behind his net. I happen to feel like that’s a fair point:
Plus, her name sounds delicious:
Leeann Tweeden
A former Hooters girl that modeled for Playboy, Frederick’s of Hollywood and Venus International, and parlayed that into a spot on Best Damn Sports Show Period? Yep – that’ll qualify. Granted, she’s currently hosting Poker After Dark, which would seem to significantly lessen the chances of some sort of media-friendly political incorrectness, but considering the fact that technically you can get drunk during poker tournaments…
Jennifer Hedger
OK, so this is a little bit of a cheat: by all accounts, the TSN broadcaster (the blonde on the left with the ridiculous tongue) has been nothing but professional during her career, and the distinct lack of semi-slutty pics only attests to that. And yes, the above video was during her time on a Canadian Real World knockoff, but come on. That is totally hot.
So if you’ve been reading comics lately, you may have heard about the well-received Marvel miniseries Shadowland (aka “Yep, it still totally sucks to be Daredevil”). And in all honesty, it’s been a pretty good series. A possessed Daredevil taking command of an innumerable horde of evil mystical ninjas, building a giant middle finger in the middle of Hell’s Kitchen and enforcing martial law, coming into direct (and lethal) conflict with “street-level” heroes and villains like Bullseye, Luke Cage & Iron Fist, Wilson Fisk, the Punisher, Spider-Man, Moon Knight and others? That’s a fantastic idea!
Which is why it’s such a shame that, as usual, a completely ridiculous idea immediately followed.
It’s been pretty clear that the whole thing is going to collapse around Matt Murdock, and sure enough Marvel announced that Daredevil will be ending in November with issue #512, and would be followed by 2 new projects: the 4-part miniseries Daredevil: Reborn, and an at-the-time unnamed series that would have one of the five characters above taking up residence as the new “hero” of Hell’s Kitchen.
Um…OK?
I guess I’m game; I mean, it’s not the weirdest thing to happen in a series. If I had to rank them in terms of who made the most sense, though, it would probably like this:
1) Falcon, 2) Kraven, 3) Gambit, 4) Black Panther, 5) Nova
The Falcon or Kraven would be obvious choices to me: they’re both “street-level” characters, they’ve got long, weird histories that range all throughout the Marvel Universe and they’ve got connections to other notable New York heroes. Gambit would be a stretch (I don’t think he’s an interesting enough character to carry a series), but I guess you could work in the whole Thieves’ Guild angle or something. I guess it just depends on how much you like Mr. Sinister, or Ms. Sinister or whatever the hell Nathaniel Essex is calling him/herself now, because those two are damn near joined at the hip. As far as Nova or Black Panther, I figured they were both there to essentially throw people off the trail. I mean, there’s no way either of them get tapped, right?
Right?
Sigh. There is so much wrong with all of this that I’m actually not sure where to begin.
First of all, does Hell’s Kitchen even need its own personal hero at this point? It’s not like it’s a city or something; HK is a neighborhood in Manhattan – that’s all. Granted, there is a history between Murdock and the neighborhood, and considering the fact that Daredevil doesn’t strictly have any superhuman physical attributes, 25 blocks or so is a much more reasonable area for a guy to patrol, much less a blind guy, but c’mon; it’s not like Spider-Man goes around calling himself the “Queens Webhead” or something. Basically, if not Murdock, it should probably be nobody.
Which leads me to my next point: why the Black Panther? Seriously, you could’ve given me all day to try to name Marvel’s choice and I would never have come up with T’Challa. On no level does this make sense. And it’s not like he doesn’t have shit going on right now – his (former?not former? I really don’t know what the deal is there) kingdom is in tatters after an attack by Dr. Doom and an attempted internal coup, and he just destroyed Wakanda’s entire supply of vibranium (only their most valuable stuff) in order to stick it to the Latverian despot. So instead of all that…he decides to have a mid-life crisis and go to New York to “discover himself”? I know people like to think that black guys have a tendency of running out on their responsibilities, but this is ridiculous; it’s really the type of stuff that makes me feel like those Wakandan rebels aren’t exactly in the wrong. And where the hell is Storm during all this?
Any excuse to post this cover will do, really.
A storied character with no set direction, dropped into a completely incongruous situation for no discernible reason, with a couple of comics rookies at the helm. This is going to end so, so badly, and that’s a damn shame – the Black Panther deserves better.
…because when I heard about the crazy guy that took hostages at the Discovery Center yesterday, I naturally felt the “usual” array of horror/curiousity/dismay/etc., but when I heard the part about his crazy demands for better TV programming (“Develop shows that mention the Malthusian sciences!”), all I could think of was this:
Well, not so much for the “totally awesome”; that’s just what I imagine the jurors saying to each other during their deliberations concerning this woman. And hey, look – “Girls Gone Wild” is involved! I know, I know, it’s a shocker.
Fun guessing game: business genius, or guy in his 30's trying to pull an "Old School?"
So, long story short: one Jane Doe is at a bar in Las Vegas in 2004, the GGW folks ask her to flash the goods, she says no on camera, someone reaches from behind and does all the work for her, and GGW put it in one of their inimitable videos. She finds out about in ’08, and sues the soft-core producers for $5 million, only for a jury to spend all of 90 MINUTES just the other day deciding, “Hey, if she didn’t want to have her top taken off by a complete stranger and images of her tits recorded and sold for public consumption, she shouldn’t have been out in public!”
Seriously, how is this guy making money in the age of free Internet porn?
I fully expect this ruling to get torn apart by a more sensible judge during the appeals process, but it says a lot about the mindset of some people that this even needed to go to an appeal judge in the first place. And let me just say for the record, for any women out there who are reading this and think, “Oh, well, of course it was probably a jury made up only of men,” NO. I don’t believe there is any way that 12 men came to that decision, because even if they felt that way, they would all realize how that would look. Not to mention, 12 guys aren’t going to feel that way; I mean, I’m a guy, and this is one of the stupidest rulings I’ve ever heard. And it’s not as though women who act against the best interests of other women don’t exist; look at most of the ladies of the Republican Party.
On second thought, stick with Girls Gone Wild.
I gotta say, between the idea that consent isn’t actually necessary to be filmed, just appearance in a location, and that whole Top Secret America bombshell (if you haven’t checked that out yet, STOP READING THIS AND CLICK ON THE LINK), it just seems like it’s getting harder and harder to not have people all up in your shit at any given time of the day.
Seriously, this absolutely made my day –
Your humble author is located middle row, on the right, next to the angry pink-haired man drinking a pint.
P.S. – I’m not picking my nose; I swear.
Yeah, that's not creepy.
Bonus: Mila with Culkin and Seth Green getting high (maybe); yet another reason I wouldn’t kick her out of bed…
Let me just say, before I get started, that this move, if it’s true, makes absolutely no sense on multiple levels.
Is Megan Fox hot? Yes, of course (even with the freaky toe-thumbs). Would she look ridiculously hot slinking around dirty Gotham City rooftops in a skintight leather outfit with a bullwhip? Naturally. Is she a good fit for the Christopher Nolan franchise? Good God, no.
Look, it’s not exactly news that Fox isn’t exactly the next Meryl Streep, so I’m not going to waste your time having you read a post that incessantly bashes her. But the truth is that she’s a pretty weak actress, at least at this point in her career, and putting her up against people with actual talent, like Christian Bale and Gary Oldman, is only going to make her performance seem even poorer by comparison.
Then there’s the Maggie Gyllenhaal situation. What I mean by that, is that when Aaron Eckhart and Gyllenhall signed on for the Batman franchise, they both signed on for two movies. After watching “The Dark Knight”, I was convinced that Nolan was planning to have Gyllenhaal come back as Catwoman in the final film. Does this mean that he’s planning a different role for Gyllenhaal? Or is she getting the boot in an attempt to get the final Bat-film some sexy star power?
And does it even need another “big name”? DK was one of the biggest films of the decade – arguably the best film of the decade – and you want to screw up your chemistry by adding an actress with one of the sharpest love/hate demarcations in all of fandom?
Having said all that…I don’t think this is gonna happen. Too many people are against it, for one; granted, the news just broke, but if this guy and this fellow nerd here are any indication, I don’t think Warner Bros. would take any chances with their certain cash cow.
**UPDATE** Apparently Warner Bros. has completely shot down all rumors that Fox will be in Batman 3, saying that there isn’t even a script. Probably for the best…
Everyone’s got their something, you know? Me – I’m pretty much your run-of-the-mill nerd (I don’t like using the word geek, even though it’s probably just as accurate, because of it’s etymological history) – I’m into technology, books, comics, science, etc. But my “something”? Theoretical physics. Tell me that Michio Kaku has a new paper out, or that Spain’s MAGIC telescope might’ve just proven the existence of quantum foam, and you’ve got me hooked tighter than a Republican congressman who just found out there’s a new Boy Scout chapter opening up down the street.
Some people are complete sports freaks, and others are totally into fashion. People can even extend their idiosyncrasies into sex – I once had a roommate who was totally into eyeball licking. True story. My point is, everyone has something that…well, it’s not exactly a passion per se, but they like it more than everyone else they know, and it’s an interest that’s slightly off the beaten path. It’s their thing.
My friend Josh? His thing is zombies.
Let me give you an example – the other day, we were wasted at a friend’s house at one in the morning, when her dog decided that it needed to take a piss immediately. So we’re outside, waiting for the pug to do its business, when out of nowhere he says, “This would be a really good place to defend against a zombie attack.”
“What?”
“Oh yeah – two bodies of water nearby, clear sightlines…I’d make a last stand here.”
“Uh, OK.” But that wasn’t the end of it – he asked me what type of guns I’d use, how I’d fight them off, that sort of thing. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, mind you – it’s just that I never thought about it before, and I told him so.
He just laughed. “Man, I’ve thought about that shit in depth.”
Because that’s his thing.
Why do I bring this up? Because I’m officially declaring the vampire fad to be in its last throes. Mark my words, the zombies are rising once again.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, “What about Twilight? That shit’s everywhere, and when that New Moon drops, forget it.” Well let me tell you something – the world is not made up of teenage girls with shitty taste, OK? For every tweener girl I know (and before you start thinking I’m a pedo, I’ve got a 13-year-old sister who has friends over quite a bit) who actively lusts over pale, wan non-threatening “monsters” in Oregon, or wherever the hell they are, I know two grown-ass people who wouldn’t piss down Robert Pattinson’s throat if his lungs were on fire. Not to mention everyone’s trying to capitalize on the current bloodsucker fad. “True Blood”, “The Vampire Diaries”, “Blood: The Last Vampire”, the Anita Blake book series and upcoming TV movie…vampires are everywhere, and thus, about to pass the “I really don’t give a fuck” event horizon.
Then you have zombies.
First, there’s “The Walking Dead”, one of the best comic books out there right now (written by the brilliant Robert Kirkman, I might add), coming to AMC as a series. But that’s not all – this year alone, there’s a ton of zombie flicks coming out. You’ve got the Wesley Snipes zombie western “Gallowwalker“, a movie called “Samurai Zombie” that sounds unbelievably epic, the zombie Nazi movie “Dead Snow“…hell, there’s even a documentary out called “Zombie Girl: The Movie“, about the coolest fucking kid I’ve ever heard of: a twelve-year-old girl making a self-written/directed zombie flick called “Pathogen”. When’s the last time you heard of anyone making their own vampire flick? Never, that’s when, because vampire fans prefer to spend their time talking about how “dark” and “mysterious” they are while they drink tomato juice that they pretend is blood.
But the biggest news of all? “Diamond Dead“, directed by the big man himself, George A. motherfucking Romero. Starring Johnny Depp, Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne, Gwen Stefani and DAVID BOWIE (ground control to Major Tom!), it’s about…well, I’ll let this quote from Romero explain:
The film is about an 80′s-style rock band that are killed in a freak accident, all but the singer who makes a deal with death to bring them back…so they all come back as zombies and become the biggest band in the world.
Depp, Bowie, Manson, Ozzy and Stefani decked out as zombies rocking onstage? Sold, sold, a million times sold! And this is all just off the top of my head; trust me, there’s a ton more zombie stuff out there waiting to chew on Edward and Bella’s brains. Trust me; it may seem all sparkly skin and high cheekbones now, but there’s shuffling, mumbling horror coming our way, and oh is it awesome.
P.S. – This is fucking hilarious:
P.P.S. – One of my all-time favorite zombie pictures
I know this story has been making the rounds for the last week or so, but for anyone who hasn’t heard, rumors have sprung up stating that popular performer Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite; for those of you fortunate enough to not know what that means, she’s got dude AND lady parts. The whole thing peripherally gained my attention when it seemed that Gaga herself admitted the claims were true in an online statement on HER blog:
“Its not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female. Its just a little bit of a penis and really doesnt interfere much with my life. the reason I haven’t talked about it is that its not a big deal to me. like come on. its not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. i have both a poon and a peener. big fucking deal.”
So, mystery solved, right? Except now not only are her managers saying that the whole thing is completely untrue, there’s no mention of the previous statement anywhere on her blog. Well, for the sake of posterity, and the fact that I can hold this over the head of any unsuspecting fool who mentions an attraction to her, check out this clip, especially at the 0:23 mark –
Yeah, that’s a dick.
